I'm mad at you.

If only I could just tell him why. I just can't get myself to explain this to him. That it's important for him to actually talk to me. For him to tell me what's going on in his life. I actually care and I actually want to hear it. But I can't go on in a relationship (long distance) where I don't talk to him. That in no way makes sense. And I'm tired of being the only one that's trying.

Well, he's gonna have to chase after me, because that's the only way right now that I'll know if he's actually interested. Dang, it's almost to our year mark too.

Dragon Slayer.

I had a dark age. Where all I wanted was light.

But there was none.

I was trapped in a tower surrounded by monsters and guarded by dragons.

I lost all hope that there ever would be light so I settled in the darkness.

Until the month of August.

When the strength built inside of me & and I realized that I could find

the light on my own.

I battled my own monsters.

And slayed my own dragons.

When I went to clean my sword, I saw it-

the light.

That was waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.

My struggle was worth it.

My battle is over.

I don't know guys, I'm just tired and bored.

Can't sleep... so drowsy...

Can't sleep... so so so tired but I can't sleep...gahhhhh
had a good day though
got to see my frans
got to take some pictures
got...
guys Im so tired
im like out of my mind
allmythoughtsarestartingtoblurtogether
[ioolkj[nghj]ojm'[nkjno[njo






















*goodnight*

Soul Searcher.

I don't what my deal has been lately but I've been uber depressed. I think I might just have a lot of negative energies in my life and it's seriously bringing me down. I thought staying at home for a week or two and taking care of my mom would be like a self-searching journey. Like I'd figure out who I was or what I was doing with my life. Instead I've been feeling guilty, lonely, bored, and depressed. Maybe I need to branch out and do more soul searching things outside. But by myself- I need to get away from Tori and her negative attitude. Like honestly, I forgot what it felt like to hang out with people that I actually look forward to being around. Maybe I've just outgrown her...

I don't know.

I just need to make a lot of changes and I need to figure out where I need to start.

When you're sad...

Today, Logan and his father got into a fight. His father attacked him and threw him on the ground. Logan didn't retaliate (which is good because if so, he wouldn't have a home right now). He's nineteen years old now and he can leave whenever he wants- the house, I mean- but I honestly don't think he's made any efforts to leave at all. He constantly talks about how much he hates it there but when I suggest leaving, he gets touchy about the subject.

Anything to do with his father he gets touchy. He'll shut down and stop talking to me for days- that's what he's doing now.

There are some things about Logan, that I just don't know about. It's probably because I haven't really been able to get to know him. Though it's been a year, what we have really isn't a relationship. It's the waiting for a relationship. And I don't care how long I have to wait to be with him- he's gonna do what's best for him and I'm gonna do what's best for me.

I just wish that he would actually do what's best for him.

I just hate this new grown up world that I've been thrown into.

And I don't have anyone to talk to it about. My only best-friends in the world are so self-obsessed that they won't stop to listen to my problems. My mother is so 'all-knowing' all the damn time, and she's always so set to make sure that she knows everything about everything that I can't even finish a sentence without her correcting me.

I guess all I have is you guys.

I just wish you talked back.



damn... I'm needy.

Sometimes I just feel useless...

I just feel like a lazy parasite on the world. All I do is take. God has given me so many gifts and I feel like I just do nothing in return. I need to step up my game and try harder- in everything. In my writing, in my photography, in school, in cleaning, in chores... everything.

How NOT to Become an Annoying Freshman.

My school got the great idea to come up with a program where a certain group of seniors wear brightly colored shirts the first days of school, which indicate to the freshmen that they are safe to talk to and to ask questions about the school. Great idea right? Turns out that I'm not cookie cutter pre AP kid enough for them so they didn't accept me- which is bull.

But that's my first tip on high school: you have to have the right look to get into anything. Like I said before, I wish that I  could say that looks don't matter but they do. You have to look the part, act the part, dress the part to easily fit into anything. If you want to fly your own path and wear, act, dress however you want (like me) that's awesome! I'm proud of you. But being accepted in clubs, groups, etc... will be a bit harder. Just make sure that your sparkling personality shines through.

STAY AWAY FROM SENIOR BOYS. I know it's been most girls' dream to have a senior boyfriend ever since that Taylor Swift song came out, but I'm telling you this is bad news. Senior boys DO NOT date freshman girls for their personality.

They're only looking for one thing because: 1. Freshman girls are innocent and easy to persuade to do anything. and 2. Freshman girls think that sleeping around is the way you fit in, in high school.

 Sleeping around in high school will NOT make you fit in, I promise. That is a lie that the media tried to shove down our throats to make people believe that our youth is both glamorous and trouble- it's neither. I'm not saying that all Seniors are like this but most are. And if he is asking you about sex at a time when it seems too soon, and a bit uncomfortable- don't sell yourself short and listen to your instincts- he only wants that. And hey, if that's all you want- go for it. But if it's a relationship you want- it's never ever going to happen.

***CALM THE HECK DOWN! This is the main problem with freshmen and this is why most are made fun of and preyed upon. Freshmen buzz around in the cafeteria yelling, jumping from table to table, making a loud fuss, and demanding constant attention. Maybe it's excitement or maybe it's all the Disney channel shows that tell you it's okay to act that way in high school. You're not in grade school anymore- no one is that excited to be at school anymore. People HATE when you call attention to yourself. DON'T DO IT. And this is the most important rule. Please, please remember this. ***

Enjoy high school, you're at the point where everything is easy. Where you don't have to worry about college or term papers. When you don't have to worry about a job. Yeah, it sucks that mom has to pick you up and drive you to the football games but hey, it could be worse. Take it slow before you dive into the 'grown up world' that is high school. Trust me, it's way more fun in the beginning.

^Me freshman year^

I thought I was so cool...

*face palm*

 

 

Gooooodmorning...er, Afternoon.

Well it's summer, I'm a teenager with no job, and zero responsibilities so I spend most of my time sleeping in. AND IT'S WONDERFUL. I'm really just recovering from the sleep I lost during the school year. But sadly, in a couple of weeks my summer will be over and I will be back in that school.

I hope to enjoy this year. I'm not going to promise that it's gonna be different then the others. I'm not going to say that I'm going to change and I'm going to make it this big, awesome ordeal. Nahh, it's just another year. I'm just top dog now- it's time to trample over the freshmen...

Haha just kidding guys, what type of person do you think I am?

I'll be nicer to the underclassmen then they were to me at that age. But frankly, now that I'm older I notice how annoying they are.

Anyway, I have to get out of bed and deal with people- YIPPIE.

*FIST BUMP BRO*
*PEACE*

Ah, The Boyfriend.

I miss Logan. So so so much. Long distance relationships are such torture. If I were smart I would've never fallen in love with him in the first place, but he has impacted my life so much since then. He has changed my outlook on everything- who I am, what life is, what I deserve...

He has made my tolerance for men so short- as in I notice the annoying things about other men a lot quickly than I would have before I started dating him. He has spoiled me when it comes to who I'm dating. I can never say how grateful I am to him for pulling me out of the dark days of my life- hell, dark months of my life. And even if we don't work out the way I plan, I hope that I will remember what I have learned from him.

That loving someone isn't about taking cute pictures or updating a Facebook status- to love someone is not a matter of emotion but action. Love is a physical action, as well as an emotional bond- whether it is spoken or not. Love is a promise that you will dedicate a piece of yourself to this person for as long as you physically can. And when or if that person decides to leave- or when you decide to leave them- if it was truly love they will hold that piece of you forever.

And that's why you should be careful on who you make that promise to.

Now it's 5 in the morning and I'm lonely. This is the only appropriate time to sing the T-Pain song (and believe me, I am). He's long, long asleep and I want to feel him close. I do miss him. Very, very much.

The Tao... of Badass?

Hiya guys! Well I was looking through my page views (which have been sucking ,but that's understandable since I post like once every 5 years) but one of the major referrals for my website is this one right here.  

I click on it, and it takes me to a website named The Tao of Badass- weird name, I know. The first thing that pops up on this website is this video of a man saying that the website is only going to be up for 24 hours due to it's top secret nature. So of course, I'm intrigued...

Next thing I know I've been staring at the computer for 30 minutes, listening to some Josh guy telling me how to use mind tricks to pick up any woman I want- I of course didn't need nor want this information since I am purely attracted to men. But he did pull me in and kept me captivated (I think he used one of those mind tricks on me through the video).

So yes, I do believe some of the things he said were true about women. I am a firm believer that body language, eye contact, etc... can really affect how you attract other people. I mean... our minds are just hard wired to react to things like that- it's purely science.

One thing he said that was very, VERY accurate is that women are attracted to men that other women are attracted to. IT'S SO TRUE!!! I can never say that enough! I pride myself on not being a shallow, teenage girl. I'm proud that I actually use my brain instead of the dumb, zombie-clones I go to school with. But I will admit that when a guy- any guy- gets a girlfriend, he does become slightly more attractive. I can't lie.

But one thing he said that wasn't true- though I hate to say it- was when he mentioned looks. I'd love to be able to say that looks don't play a part, but they do. He said that women aren't attracted to good looks... which is a lie. He said that even the ugliest guy on the planet can pick up a super model for a one night stand if they followed his mind tricks- I'm sorry but no.

I think he mentioned that so that average looking guys would build up a certain amount of confidence. Because if an average looking guy has the right vibe and the right body language- it's more believable that he will get any woman he wants.

But I hate to say that an ugly guy... no matter what mind tricks you play, more than likely- a super model will write you off before you come within 5 feet of her.

Not saying that looks are all that matters. Because personality and humor and generosity are way more important in my book (along with other women, I'm sure).

(if a man is reading)
What you need to do is not settle for the women that treat you like crap. Because standing up for yourself and knowing what you deserve can make you way more attractive than Johnny Depp with all the mind tricks in the world.

It's been a year.

Wow... what can I say? I haven't talked to ya'll in nearly a year. Wow, what all can happen in one year.

I started this blog the summer before my freshman year in high school. Now, it's the summer before my senior year. And I've learned so much in these past 4 years. I have grown more in that high school that I have in my own home. That place. That place is both the worst and the best place I have ever been in my entire life.

Freshman year dragged on for what seems a lifetime. But it was the year when I was dropped-face first- into the land of high school. I got my first boyfriend, named Danny and I thought that he would be my forever. I went on my first dates. I hung out with my friends. I went to football games and pep rallies. I spent my summer with my friends- I was never home.

Sophomore year went on a little faster. It was the toughest year, when it came to hardships. As my first boyfriend broke up with me and my world came crashing down around me. Later I dated a boy named Ben, who taught me what I deserved- by showing me what an awful boyfriend is. The people I called my friends stabbed me in the back. I discovered my love for writing. Later in the summer I went to Vans Warped Tour- which was the best day of my life. Soon after I went to church camp and repented my sins. That was also the summer when my love for Logan started to blossom.

Junior year went by in a matter of moments. School wise- I was questioning what I wanted to do with my life. This was the year when I really started to think about my future and what I was going to do with my life. I also started dating a boy who lived in Illinois named Logan- who taught/ teaches me things about life everyday. The people that I used to call my best friends vanished from my life (mostly because of boys) and the people that I used to dislike are now the people I spent every day with. Junior year ended in tears as I realized that my favorite seniors would not be returning next year. I watched them graduate- and although I was happy- it hurt to see them go. I know that things will never, ever be the same.

And I will move onto next year.

And I will soon see what it's like to move into the real world.